Week 3 on T

What the WHAT! People I have peach-fuzz facial hair and I love it. I can see where the existing hairs are darkening at the roots and becoming more visible. Testosterone is a beast.

IMG_20150731_093311

IMG_20150731_093450

Trying to capture the hairs with my phone is a bit difficult but they are pretty damn evident in person.

Other changes worth noting:

I remember laughing at trans guys starting on T and how in the first 6 months they go through teen boy puberty with the inappropriate sex talk and rampant libido. It is hilarious seeing it in myself. Yes I am a horny teenager and annoying everyone in my trans support group with my inappropriateness. #sorrynotsorry! I am loving the boost in libido. It is interesting adjusting to this weird sensation of sex being a physical need rather than an emotional one.

My voice is noticeably lower. I love it! It creaks every now and then leaving my stumbling over my words and having to clear my throat and try again. Voice dysphoria is a big issue for me. Hearing myself in recordings makes me feel so self conscious. A friend pointed out that since I had my ear op (I have hearing loss which was correcting in one ear with a prosthesis) that I’ve been speaking lower. I can attribute it to the fact that I can hear the base of my own voice and am intentionally speaking lower and no longer speaking higher to coincide with the range I could hear at. Now added to that I can actually hear my voice deepen and it thrills me. I sent a voice clip to an American friend for them to hear my home language and hearing my own voice pleased me so much. YES PLEASE, more of this!

Sleep is still scarce. I get between 4.5 – 6 hours a night. I wake in the mornings far earlier than I normally would and struggle to get back to sleep, or struggle to get to sleep at night. it is worse for the 2 – 3 days after my shot. The only thing that helps is a supplement with l-theanine, glycine and magnesium which has really improved the quality of my sleep.

Great energy levels. Despite the lack of sleep I am feeling great! There is so much I can accomplish in the average day. I feel motivated and happy.

Emotionally. I had a slight dip 3 days before my next shot and wanted my T top up. Even with the dip I still felt way better than I ever did pre-T. I am astounded how good I feel on T. I really didn’t expect it to have this pronounced effect on my emotional landscape.

Still have an increased appetite which I am carefully trying to keep in check. I’ve had to go from eating 2 meals a day to 3 small meals otherwise I end up ravenous. I haven’t put any weight on which is a relief. I have noticed a slight slimming of my hips and have dropped a pants size which makes me feel confident and happy. My weight has been a life long struggle. Initially I tried losing weight to help with my body dysphoria and while it helped a bit I still had days of feeling viciously dysphoric.

That leads me on to dysphoria in general. I don’t know if it is the fact that I am actively pursuing transition, or that I got a new binder that is super comfy, or the that I am seeing body changes after just 3 weeks on T but in general my dysphoria is much, much less. I am feeling far less awkward. I am less clumsy. I feel more present in my body. What I find interesting is that I am also more comfortable in my femme presentation as well. Being a gender fluid person I like to dress femme on femme days but still had a resentment towards society’s reaction to my femininity as it made me feel invisible in the rest of my identity. Now, I have a devil-may-care attitude as a rock a skirt, heels and make-up while being T fuelled. It is liberating. Is this confidence from the T or from the authenticity of being a more realised version of myself? I am not sure, both maybe, but either way I feel confident, powerful and at peace with my body and my identity in a way that I hadn’t been able to be previously.

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “Week 3 on T

  1. Eli, insomnia is a close “friend” of mine of which I want to get rid. Mind posting the brand of the supplement with l-theanine, glycine and magnesium you are using? I’m a South African, so I should be able to get hold of it if it is OTC stuff or unscheduled. So happy for you and the changes on T. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Eli. I am following your transition with absolute awe.. thank you for sharing the details of how you feel and the changes (emotionally and physical) in your body and psyche. As always, huge respect to you.. Skye

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know right! It is like I can just relax into it because it is me rather than being defensive about being perceived as female and that making me feel angry and invalidated. Go figure. I fucking love T!

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s